Insights number 2

I have decided to take some of my journal entires and post them because I know that the information that I post about my chemo sessions is good but you don't get a sense of how I am "really " feeling, sorry it is a little long:)

3/28
thoughts:

Going bald has really given me the opportunity to think about who I am, where I am from and where I am going. Cancer will always be apart of my "person'- who I am, even when I am done with treatment. I am forever changed physically and spiritually. Maybe I shouldn't wear my wig, or a hat, it hides who I am, what I am going through and what I will become from this time of growth. I am not calling my cancer a trial because I am gaining so much from this time that I chose to call it a "time of growth". Thinking about where I are from influences my "person" tremendously. When people ask where I am from I usually say a city, what if I were to say "I am from Heaven". This different answer gives a me a different perspective, it would change the decisions I would make and it would influence how I acted each day. I think I would have a more real understanding of the role of my Savior in my life and maybe not take it for granted as I do.

Because I feel so grateful for everyday, I don't take anything for granted. I love each day, I love that I can be with my children and husband, I love that I can literally walk, that I can smile and laugh, I love that I can experience the everyday things of life. When I can go for a run or walk I love being outside and feeling the love of my Heavenly Father around me as I look at the beautiful world and feel the wind and sunshine on my face, even the rain or snow. I feel so blessed to be loved by so many people, what a blessing the ability to love and to be loved is.

I am grateful to those who understand that even on my good days my family and I need support to allow me to enjoy my good days. I often thought how great it was that people or companies would step in and help those in need with the extra things, like home repairs or family activities, but not until now do I understand the NEED that these things are. People in trying times don't just need help on their bad days they need help on their good days to help them reengage with their families and to continue to make good memories and laugh during their hard times. By taking on some of the pressures of the families responsibilities it allows for the family to spend time together talking or playing together. Sometimes I think it is hard to know how to help those in need. Some ways that have been helpful for us are, setting up a time to come and help. By doing this we know they are coming and we should have somethings ready for them to do. Dropping off little treats or just the basics allows us to feel and know of others care, concern and more importantly brings smiles. Phone calls (leaving a message if not available),emails, and notes are a wonderful way to show you care. I hate to say this.. but money allows the family to help themselves with the things they need. Babysitting for those with small children so that the parents can have time to connect is especially important. Babysitting for the mom who is sick on her good days is wonderful so that she can have time to herself to accomplish things that she needs and even wants to do, feeling a sense of accomplishment is so vital during a time of trial. I am so grateful to wonderful friends and family who have taken time to show their support for our family. I know that their time is precious also, and that makes the sacrifice even more special for us.

4/12/09 Easter
This Easter has a very personal application to me. We have always talked to the kids about how joyous Easter is. We focus on the resurrection and that we can all be together again because of Christ. This Easter I had to enlarge my explanation of Easter and share with the kids my feelings on the suffering in the Garden and the atonement, along with the resurrection. Going through cancer, I have thought a lot about how Easter is really a three step process, it began with the suffering in the Garden. This is where Jesus Christ pled with the Lord to remove "this cup from me". He didn't want to suffer, He didn't want to go through the things he was going to have to go through. He knew there was going to be suffering, and some very uncomfortable feelings of sadness and pain. I find it interesting that the atonement came after and while Christ suffered. It was not until he was going through those tough emotions that he was "at one" with God. As Jesus suffered and bled from every pore we was able to feel how we would feel, he felt how we feel and when we make mistakes or when we are sad about life's opposing wars. Because he felt these things he is now able to help us in ways he never could have otherwise. Heavnely Father was there to watch over His son, and I feel there were angles sent to help. I don't recall any scriptures backing this up, but I know that God who is all loving and kind, who loved His son would send help to sustain him and help him get through this suffering, like when Jesus fasted 40 days and 40 nights and God sent angles to support and help Jesus. I like wise have been blessed with angles of all kinds to sustain not just me but my family and I know that Heavenly Father is there for me anytime, anywhere anyplace I need Him. I love and appreciate those angles with all my heart. From the Garden Christ gave of himself in all the ways possible. He was truly "at one" with God and gave himself ransom for our sins so that we can repent and he can be our intercessory with the father, and the resurrection is a joyous occasion for sure. As we talk of loved ones passed and the joy of seeing them again, and for the joy of living with our Heavenly Father again in a place of peace, love, and joy forever. This Easter I am grateful for the knowledge that Christ knows how I am feeling and has suffered and felt my pains, and that I can feel close to Him and be uplifted by His enabling power of the atonement, knowing that if Christ can do hard things, so can I.

The chemo treatment this time is really getting at me emotionally and mentally. I feel like I am being tortured in a way. Pulled down to a low and then built back up. I am sure that I am doing a lot by just sitting on the couch, but that is really hard to see. I feel like I am just showing a lazy mom who isn't fighting or being proactive. It is hard to know what our kids are going to get out of this time, I hope that through this suffering they receive some kind of eternal blessings. I pray that somehow through my faith and diligence they will be blessed with a strong testimony of the Gospel and a desire to live close the the Lord in ALL things, even hard things.

4/19/09
On Monday of this past week, I was feeling really bad. I was tired and so I went and took a bath, my new favorite thing thing to do, and while I was there I had this thought that I am going to be striped of every ounce of energy, and fight that I have in me. I had this small vision (not spiritual vision) of my shoulders hunched over carrying weight but doing okay, and then the next session a little more hunched over and continuing until I was on my elbows crawling to bed. That night I slept pretty good and woke up feeling a lot better. Each day has been better and I have felt better physically quicker this time. One of the thoughts I have had this past week is that it is faith that will save me, but not my faith alone that will save me or anyone in a time like this. It is my faith that makes them ACT on those principles that I know to be true that will save me physically and spiritually.

One of things I was really worried about this time is what the kids are thinking of mom who goes to the doctor and then just lies around all the time. The big kids understand a little bit of what is going on, and the little kids have really no idea. I was afraid of what they were thinking, " is mom just going to sleep all day", or wow- mom's not really trying to fight this one, she is just letting it over take her", or " I wish I could play with mom, and she wouldn't just sleep all day". But as I started to feel better I have come to decide that as the kids see me up doing things when I can then they will hopefully see that I am fighting, that I am living life as best as I can right now.