What We Have Been Up To

It has been a little while since I last wrote. All my treatments are done and I have a nice head of hair back. My hair is still pretty short and straight!! but it is kinda cute. Brittany told me one sunday shortly after I decided to stop wearing my wig that she wouldn't go to church unless I put it on, she even went and got it for me. I love that girl, I am sure it is weird having a mom that looks like a boy. Brittany is my girl that would care. Kayla has been great about my short/no hair. She has tried many times to talk me into going "naked", which surprises me for a teenager. The only side effects that I feel like I am still dealing with is that I forget short term things or get confused really easy when I have to think quick. I have done some research into this it is called, chemo brain and in time it will get better. In the mean time I have learned to really try to watch were I put my keys, etc. I can go see a occupational therapist if I want to if it still bothers me in December. I also have a hard time sleeping at nights but we just have to get through that one. My treatment plan from here on out is to take daily a medicine called Tamoxifen. Tamoxifen keeps my body from producing estrogen. My tumor needed estrogen to grow so the theory is that no estrogen, no tumor and then after awhile if there is any cancer left it will die. There are no tests to test for reacourance, the tests they do have sometimes come back false positive which just causes stress. The doctor prefers to just have me come in every 3months for the first year and watch for any signs of reacourance. I figure that if there is a reacourance that is not a good thing no matter what test I take so I am fine with just watching for signs to catch it early so we can take steps to survive the disease, which would require me to be on chemo for the rest of my life to keep the cancer from growing. With all the procedures that I have gone through the doctor estimates that I am in the upper 90th percentile of being cured, so that is reassuring and I know personally that I have done all that I can so now I just move forward with faith. There have been a couple of days that I have worried about an reacourance but for the most part I have felt amazing. I am running, I am up to about 4 miles I am very please with my progress.

The thing that has been most difficult recently for me has been to trying to find a balance in life and to get organized. I am surprised at how hard it has been, I finally figured it out what might be contributing. It has been three years since we have moved here; the first year we were getting settled and worried about our house selling in AZ, the second year we had Emily, and the third year I have had cancer. So it really is no wonder that I feel a little behind. I have been thinking about how I should share my journey of finding balance in my life. It has been fun to see it develop over the past few months, but I do wish I could just figure it out. I decided to look at it as a journey not just trip with an end point. There will be uphills and down hills and easy roads. In the end hopefully I will have something good figured out. I know that some of you are probably saying "just stop doing too much" and "pick wiser priorities". Well that is probably the case, but it feels so good to be able to things again that I just want to do everything and I feel like everything is important. I have done a lot of thinking trying to figure out what my priorities are and what they really should be. I made a list of what I felt where the most important and I also figured that I have 5 hours (9a-2p)a day to do everything a mom/wife is suppose to do. In that 5 hours I have to do the "daily to-do's" like, cook, clean, put kids down for naps, and play with the kids. Amongst all the "daily to-do's" we have our "daily extra things", the things that you don't have to do everyday but still are my job like, paying bills, menu planning or grocery shop. I finally got to the point where I scheduled what I felt were my priorities. We all know that a mom's life can't be that scheduled but it gave me an idea of us of my time. I figured that if I got up at 5:30a that would allow me to exercise, read my scriptures and shower before breakfast at 7:30a. I also figured that if I put out breakfast and made lunches the night before that I would get in my "me" things in the morning. This would open up more time in my "crazy 5". We actually have started a pretty good assembly line with one child taking a portion of the lunch and making it and then each child just goes through the different lunch item piles and fills their lunch it seems to work pretty good. My plan has been working pretty good So far. I have felt better about getting all the priorities in each day and I feel like I am getting organized and being able to spend time with the kids and Mike plus take care of me. I don't remember life being this hard before cancer, maybe I am just realizing I want to use my time more efficiently and effectively than before not taking any day for granted.

Since the last blog we have done a lot of fun things, here is a short summary of events at the "Wacky Whitesides" and I will elaborate on them later.

Mike took first place overall at the Rexburg RUSH triathlon in the sprint division.

Nathan participated in the scouts pinewood derby and had a great time building his car with dad. They don't keep track of the winners here, but we think that he did very well and of course loved every minute of it.

We actually got to go camping. We thought this summer was one that we would have to pass by without a camp out, but we got to spend a fun filled couple of days in beautiful Island Park, ID.

August 26th first day of school. Kayla 9th grade, Nathan 5th grade, Brittany 1st grade, and Cami Preschool.

August 27th last day of Radiation and celebration party.

September 3rd-8th Mike and Jeni had a fun filled weekend in Boise.

Kayla tried out high school cross country this fall and loved it. She did so great!!

Jeni has been the canning queen with her friend Sunny.

Mike participated in a relay run that ran from the Idaho Falls LDS temple to the Rexburg LDS temple.

Nathan and Brittany participated in a kids tri that was amazing!

Emily turned 2, Brittany turned 7 and Mike turned 29 again.

We traveled to St. George, UT to let Mike travel the ironman course and the meet up with Grandpa and Grandma Mc Nett. On the way back home, the fun and nice Mc Nett clan in Salt Lake had lunch ready for us to eat and visit.

Coming up, we can't wait until Halloween. The little girls plan on being lady bugs, Kayla plans on being an 80's girl and Nathan is tentatively planning on being Eragon from the Eragon series. Kayla is planning a fun Halloween party and the other kids are excited to go trick-n-treating. I just hope the weather holds out.

Radiation

I am sorry I haven't had time to blog. We have been pretty busy here with radiation everyday and the kids home from school.

I am feeling great!! better than I expected. I am very pleased with my progress of recovery and my hair is even staring to grow back :). I have had good energy and have really been able to enjoy the summer and the kids being home. I was able to take a trip to Salt Lake last week to spend time with family. This was a trip that I planned while I was on Chemo and it felt so far away when I was planning it, but I knew that it would come and when it did then I would be done with Chemo!!! When the time came to go I was very excited to see family and to know that I had made it through chemo.:) We had a great time and I even felt good enough to enjoy myself.

The summer has been fun, a couple of fun things we have done so far are: go to Rupert for the 4th and the Whitesides family reunion, play in Salt Lake, and swimming lessons. We are looking forward to camping this weekend, Cami's birthday, school starting and to a Mike & Jeni trip (I think we deserve one, how about you?).

I began radiation on July 14th. I know have 10 sessions done, almost a third, of the 33. I will end on August 27th, the day the kids start back to school. I was pretty bummed for awhile about starting later than expected and thus finishing later, but at least we are on the road to being done with all of this. The only side effects for my kind of radiation are fatigue towards the end and that my radiated skin will turn pink or red, like a sunburn, but if this is all for the side effects-I will take it. I have to goto Idaho Falls -I.F.-(about 30 min. away), everyday (Monday-Friday). My appointment takes about 15 minutes including parking the car and backing out of the parking lot. My "zapping" takes only about 5 minutes at the most. I walk right in to the office change into a cape and then wait my turn in a little semi-private room. The radiologists walk me back to the machine and I lay on a metal table draped with a sheet. I position myself into this mold type thing to help me position my upper body right for the machine The doctors wrap my feet with the end of the sheet and wrap a rubber band around the balls of my feet (I know kinda weird- they say it helps with the line up of the machine). Then they match up these marks that I have on my body with the machine to make sure I am in correct position. The nurses wanted to give me these tatoo dots but I opted not, just because I really don't want any mementoes of this fabulous time, so they just used permanent marker and clear stickers to protect the marks from fading too fast . I put my arms up over my head and hold onto these bars positioned right above my head. This allows for a open field to zap my chest, under arms, and neck. The machine is pretty big and rotates around to where it needs to zap. I don't feel or see anything at all.

The doctors have been great about scheduling my sessions to match my crazy summer schedule

with the kids home and taking trips, etc. I decided to sign the kids up for swim lessons in I.F. on my way to session. It has been really easy and has allowed me to feel better about driving down to I.F. everyday, I also am not leaving the kids behind everyday. I was thinking that I would have friends drive me a couple times a week just to make the trip more fun and hopefully not so tiring, but I am glad we can swim- at least for now.

More next time...

Happy Port- Out Day

Happy Port-Out Day!!!

Today I got my port out. My port is a central line or internal IV that was inserted into my chest right below my collar bone on my left side. It protrudes just a little and looks pretty weird under the skin. This is where the nurses inject the chemo for my sessions. There were times after chemo that I couldn't even look at it because it would make me nausea.

Today was a big day I felt like I came full circle. The surgeon who took it out also was the one who told us that I had cancer. A rush of emotions came over me as I prepared for my doctors visit and then after when it was all done. We have come a very long ways in the past few months.

As we were coming home from the surgeon Mike took the road that leads to the oncologist's office, and when we came to the street that would take us either home or to the office Mike said "oh no not today, today we are going home." I love that guy, he is amazing! He is my strength and I am so happy that I have him as a part of my life. This has been a tough road for both of us, but he has been the one who has held us together as I laid in bed or not felt good. He has been a single dad, taking care of 5 kids and a sick wife at the same time. This is not only a big day for me but for him and for all of us.


Happy Port-Out Day!!!

Chemo Graduation and Scrapbook

This is my Chemo Graduation Scrapbook. It isn't very long, but I think it does a good job of capturing the past few months. We wish we could capture every single prayer, act of service, hugs, and listening ears, of the past few months because they are all very important to us; we could not have done this without all of you!!!

I will be starting radiation the week of July 6th. I will go 33 times and hopefully end around August 21. After all this is said and done, I will be able to say that I have done all I could to make me healthy. I will have the "go" from my doctors and the probability that I will be cured will be in the up ninety percentile. I firmly believe that modern medicine is a modern day miracle.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

First day of the rest of my life

Today I have declared the first day of the rest of my life. Today I went for my first walk after my last session of chemo. It felt great!!! I am not running yet, but I feel like I am now officially on the road to recovery. I want to challenge everyone to join with me in making this the first day of the rest of your lives. Some ideas might be to do something you have always wanted, or make a goal to change something for the better in your life, or to take time tell those you love that you love them.

You don't have to go through cancer to realize that life is short and to make it grand!

May recap

May was a fun month with all the recitals, soccer games ,choir concerts, plays and reports. We enjoyed beautiful weather which made for a fun month. here is a few pictures to recap the fun.

Make a Smilebox postcard

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Make a Smilebox greeting

chemo recap 4 and 5

I haven't taken time to blog but here is a recap of sessions four and five. I was so tired after session 4 that I took a lot of naps. The month of May was busy with all the kids activities the last month of school. I was tired and didn't really recover from round 4. Usually by day 10 after chemo I feel pretty good, but round 4 was just brutal; I couldn't even run well.

When I got to session 5, the doctor saw me not doing as well and decided to cut back a little on the chemo by 10% (they call it "chemo stacking" and usually by the end of sessions the doctor's tend to cut back) and the nurse hydrated me with 2 bags of water. All together, the cut back and water made the 6th session one of the easiest. It was such a blessing because I wondered how I was going to finish all 6 sessions but after session 5, I felt like I could make it through number 6.

Beautiful Butterfly Fun

We had a fun May Science experiment. Brittany was asked to give a report on butterflies in kingergaten and we thought it would be really fun to watch the whole process. I got a kit that came with five painted lady caterpillars (buglore.clom). We watch and journaled every move they made and then let them go on a beautiful day in the BYUI gardens. Britt named her caterpillars: Scoobers, Cubs, Ellie, Kristy, and Sally. We really enjoyed watching the whole process, it took about threes weeks from caterpillar to chrysalis to butterfly. All the Kids really loved watching and playing with the butterflies, even Emily who surprised us all by saying "butterfly" many times throughout the weeks. Britt did an amazing job on her report and loved sharing with all her classmates her beautiful butterflies.

Spring 2009 slideshow

Here are some fun pictures of what we have been up to.  I have put the link to download them under "my favorite links" or you can click on the Picasa icon in the right hand corner, then click on "spring 2009" and the album will open.  Click on a picture and then click "download" at the top of the page. Save your computer and forever enjoy:) 

Mother's Day 2009

Make a Smilebox slideshow

"We Can Do Hard Things"

I write this blog on the morning of my 4th chemo session. I am not very excited about going in today but I am excited about the progress we are making. This past session was not as hard as the past ones, I had a really long spell of feeling good. I even ran 7 miles on Saturday and have been able to run almost everyday. I don't look forward to the time down again, but I pray that it will be short like the last one. As I was running I decided that I wanted to share a quote that from a nurse at the oncology office. She made this comment during my first round of chemo and when I had last 8 pounds- I wanted to hit her when she said it (no offense please!), now it has become somewhat of a theme for me as I go through all of this fun stuff. I hear many people who compare their problems with mine, and think that mine out weigh there problems. All I can think of when I hear this is how we ALL go through our personal hard times in our lives, and I really don't believe that one trial out weighs another, they ARE ALL HARD! I just believe that it is how we get through our trials that matters, and I know that "we can ALL do hard things"! We had a family home evening lesson by Kayla on monday night on trials. One of things she asked the family was why we have go through trials. One of the things that we decided was that unfortunately, but fortunately, we have to go through these tough times to appreciate the good times. We as a family understand that there will be hard times in our lives, so we need to take advantage of the good times, stay close as a family, and that "we (and you) can do hard things."

Insights number 2

I have decided to take some of my journal entires and post them because I know that the information that I post about my chemo sessions is good but you don't get a sense of how I am "really " feeling, sorry it is a little long:)

3/28
thoughts:

Going bald has really given me the opportunity to think about who I am, where I am from and where I am going. Cancer will always be apart of my "person'- who I am, even when I am done with treatment. I am forever changed physically and spiritually. Maybe I shouldn't wear my wig, or a hat, it hides who I am, what I am going through and what I will become from this time of growth. I am not calling my cancer a trial because I am gaining so much from this time that I chose to call it a "time of growth". Thinking about where I are from influences my "person" tremendously. When people ask where I am from I usually say a city, what if I were to say "I am from Heaven". This different answer gives a me a different perspective, it would change the decisions I would make and it would influence how I acted each day. I think I would have a more real understanding of the role of my Savior in my life and maybe not take it for granted as I do.

Because I feel so grateful for everyday, I don't take anything for granted. I love each day, I love that I can be with my children and husband, I love that I can literally walk, that I can smile and laugh, I love that I can experience the everyday things of life. When I can go for a run or walk I love being outside and feeling the love of my Heavenly Father around me as I look at the beautiful world and feel the wind and sunshine on my face, even the rain or snow. I feel so blessed to be loved by so many people, what a blessing the ability to love and to be loved is.

I am grateful to those who understand that even on my good days my family and I need support to allow me to enjoy my good days. I often thought how great it was that people or companies would step in and help those in need with the extra things, like home repairs or family activities, but not until now do I understand the NEED that these things are. People in trying times don't just need help on their bad days they need help on their good days to help them reengage with their families and to continue to make good memories and laugh during their hard times. By taking on some of the pressures of the families responsibilities it allows for the family to spend time together talking or playing together. Sometimes I think it is hard to know how to help those in need. Some ways that have been helpful for us are, setting up a time to come and help. By doing this we know they are coming and we should have somethings ready for them to do. Dropping off little treats or just the basics allows us to feel and know of others care, concern and more importantly brings smiles. Phone calls (leaving a message if not available),emails, and notes are a wonderful way to show you care. I hate to say this.. but money allows the family to help themselves with the things they need. Babysitting for those with small children so that the parents can have time to connect is especially important. Babysitting for the mom who is sick on her good days is wonderful so that she can have time to herself to accomplish things that she needs and even wants to do, feeling a sense of accomplishment is so vital during a time of trial. I am so grateful to wonderful friends and family who have taken time to show their support for our family. I know that their time is precious also, and that makes the sacrifice even more special for us.

4/12/09 Easter
This Easter has a very personal application to me. We have always talked to the kids about how joyous Easter is. We focus on the resurrection and that we can all be together again because of Christ. This Easter I had to enlarge my explanation of Easter and share with the kids my feelings on the suffering in the Garden and the atonement, along with the resurrection. Going through cancer, I have thought a lot about how Easter is really a three step process, it began with the suffering in the Garden. This is where Jesus Christ pled with the Lord to remove "this cup from me". He didn't want to suffer, He didn't want to go through the things he was going to have to go through. He knew there was going to be suffering, and some very uncomfortable feelings of sadness and pain. I find it interesting that the atonement came after and while Christ suffered. It was not until he was going through those tough emotions that he was "at one" with God. As Jesus suffered and bled from every pore we was able to feel how we would feel, he felt how we feel and when we make mistakes or when we are sad about life's opposing wars. Because he felt these things he is now able to help us in ways he never could have otherwise. Heavnely Father was there to watch over His son, and I feel there were angles sent to help. I don't recall any scriptures backing this up, but I know that God who is all loving and kind, who loved His son would send help to sustain him and help him get through this suffering, like when Jesus fasted 40 days and 40 nights and God sent angles to support and help Jesus. I like wise have been blessed with angles of all kinds to sustain not just me but my family and I know that Heavenly Father is there for me anytime, anywhere anyplace I need Him. I love and appreciate those angles with all my heart. From the Garden Christ gave of himself in all the ways possible. He was truly "at one" with God and gave himself ransom for our sins so that we can repent and he can be our intercessory with the father, and the resurrection is a joyous occasion for sure. As we talk of loved ones passed and the joy of seeing them again, and for the joy of living with our Heavenly Father again in a place of peace, love, and joy forever. This Easter I am grateful for the knowledge that Christ knows how I am feeling and has suffered and felt my pains, and that I can feel close to Him and be uplifted by His enabling power of the atonement, knowing that if Christ can do hard things, so can I.

The chemo treatment this time is really getting at me emotionally and mentally. I feel like I am being tortured in a way. Pulled down to a low and then built back up. I am sure that I am doing a lot by just sitting on the couch, but that is really hard to see. I feel like I am just showing a lazy mom who isn't fighting or being proactive. It is hard to know what our kids are going to get out of this time, I hope that through this suffering they receive some kind of eternal blessings. I pray that somehow through my faith and diligence they will be blessed with a strong testimony of the Gospel and a desire to live close the the Lord in ALL things, even hard things.

4/19/09
On Monday of this past week, I was feeling really bad. I was tired and so I went and took a bath, my new favorite thing thing to do, and while I was there I had this thought that I am going to be striped of every ounce of energy, and fight that I have in me. I had this small vision (not spiritual vision) of my shoulders hunched over carrying weight but doing okay, and then the next session a little more hunched over and continuing until I was on my elbows crawling to bed. That night I slept pretty good and woke up feeling a lot better. Each day has been better and I have felt better physically quicker this time. One of the thoughts I have had this past week is that it is faith that will save me, but not my faith alone that will save me or anyone in a time like this. It is my faith that makes them ACT on those principles that I know to be true that will save me physically and spiritually.

One of things I was really worried about this time is what the kids are thinking of mom who goes to the doctor and then just lies around all the time. The big kids understand a little bit of what is going on, and the little kids have really no idea. I was afraid of what they were thinking, " is mom just going to sleep all day", or wow- mom's not really trying to fight this one, she is just letting it over take her", or " I wish I could play with mom, and she wouldn't just sleep all day". But as I started to feel better I have come to decide that as the kids see me up doing things when I can then they will hopefully see that I am fighting, that I am living life as best as I can right now.

Chemo round 3-HALF WAY!!

Well I am half way, I can say that now without hesitation. Mike was trying to be positive and started saying it right away but for me I couldn't say it until I was feeling better-truly through it all the way. This session has not been as bad as the past-horray! The beginning was pretty tough, but the end was not as bad! We will get this all figured out and then I will be done. One of the reasons why this chemo was not as bad as long was that I had them cut back on my meds-specifically dexamethasone- the steroid. This allowed me to be more alert after my chemo and not as groggy when I came home. I did end up getting sick on Thursday night, but after that I was just wiped out, very very tired for a few days, up until tuesday afternoon, or wednesday morning. I have been enjoying feeling better. I ran 5 miles yesturday!!!!! I was so proud of myself!

Happy Easter 2009

The kids had a great Easter. The fun started Saturday when a family brought over dinner and eggs to hide for the kids. We got done with dinner and took off for the eggs right before it pored down rain. The kids had so much fun, it brought smiles to everyone. Sunday we woke up and I decided to goto church, I usually don't go the sunday after chemo, but I wanted our family to be together on Easter. The kids looked so great in their Easter clothes. I started dresses for the girls about a month ago, I know crazy, but it felt good to accomplish something. Kayla made her own, and a great friend made Emily's dress because I ran out of time. Nathan put on his blue tie and wall-la we have a beautiful Easter picture filled with beautiful Easter smiles. Grandpa came over for Easter dinner provided by some great neighbors, and our second easter egg hunt. After the hunt we opened presents from grandpa and grandma Mc Nett and grandpa and grandma Kelly and waited for the "candy crash", which happened right around 6p. We had some great talks about Easter this year I will publish some of our thoughts later. We hope that everyone had a wonderful easter-We Love You!!!!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

"It's not about the war but the warrior"!!!"

My friend Callie sent me that quote, I love it! Today is session 3. The past session took me longer to get over so I have only had about one good week. In that week I didn't want to miss a beat and tried to take advantage of every moment of every day. Sometimes this leads me to do way too much, but I am also very "picky" at what I spend my time on. I mostly just try to spend time with the kids and Mike knowing that I will be on the couch again soon and not feeling like doing much. I HATE how this strips my time,but I am grateful for the perspective that it is only for a short season.

Kayla YW General Conference in Salt Lake 3/28/2009

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Nathan and Mike BYU-I Triathlon: The Whitesides Determinators

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Chemo round 2

I had my second chemo treatment this past week on Thursday. I earned a pink "Livestrong" running shirt and Justin and Jenni sent me a pink Nike sports backpack and pink arm sport bands.  I was excited to earn my new items.  I was NOT looking forward to Thursday but I had so much support from everyone this past week.  Callie had a bake sale to earn money on behalf of me for her relay of life and Justin and Jenni donated money on behalf of me at a dinner fundraiser. On Thursday, we had friends wear pink to show support and Thursday morning right before I left for treatment, the cleaners that my family paid for showed up to clean our house.  I had two women volunteer their time to watch kids while I was at treatment and after so I could rest.  That night, we had dinner that was made by great friends.  With all this help and support I knew I could make it through.  This week so far hasn't been too bad, the next few days will tell us how last treatment compares to this treatment.  Mike and I shaved our heads on Friday. I was losing my hair and so we "bic-ed" together and then went for a bald walk around the block.  I never dreamed of making these kind of memories together.  

5.1.10 St. George Ironman!

5.1.10 will be a day in history for the Whitesides family.   Mike  called me from work today and told me the good news- today Ironman announced a new full Ironman triathlon in St. George, UT!  Mike didn't waste anytime signing up -he is very excited!  Ironman (the company who puts on the events) had only 6 full length Ironman races in the US up until today.  All of the races except for Florida are on Sundays, therefore, this newly announced Saturday ironman so close to home was a very exciting announcement. A full ironman consists of a 2.4mi swim, a 112 mi bike and a 26.2 mi run.  This ironman also has 67 qualifing spots for world ironman championships in Kona, HI.  The thought of going to Hawaii is the part that I am most excited about- I think we should all route him on so we can all have an excuse to goto Hawaii! 

Kayla Ballroom Performance

Kayla preformed with her ballroom team at the middle school in town.  She did great!  

An Amazing Week

This week has been amazing!  I felt good and had good energy.  I just loved the feeling of being healthy and feeling the sunshine, and spending time with my family not worrying about too much; I guess you can say that I just don't take too much for granted these days.  My personal accomplishment for this week was that I ran 4 miles on Saturday and felt pretty good :) 

I go in on Thursday for my next treatment-YUCK! But I am just setting myself up for a week of not feeling good and then I can move one.  I wonder what I will get for this week for my new "pink" item? 

 

I appreciate all the support I have gotten from friends and family.  I cannot tell you how much your love and support has meant these past months.  I had people ready at a moments notice to come and help this week, morning and noon, with the children.  I didn't end of using them, but what a comfort it was to know that they were willing if I needed them. 

Shaving my head has been a little emotional but friends and family have cried and laughed with me as I have gone through this. Tonight all the kids, Mike and grandpa tried on my wig and we laughed and took some great pictures!  

Love you all more than words can express!

My Warrior Hair Cut

Mike has his race day hair cut, and I have my cancer hair cut.  I have decided to call it my "warrior cut".  We did it late Sunday eve after supposedly the kids were in bed.  Kayla was the only one up at the time but then I went and got Nathan who was playing down stairs and Cami came in who really wasn't asleep in her bed.  Britt slept through the whole thing which I don't know was a good thing because now she won't look at me without a hat on.  Nathan video recorded the fun and Kayla took pictures.  Mike was pretty nervous but did an amazing job.  A few tears were shed before and after, but it is very comforting to know that it is not forever and I will get some cute hats out of the whole deal.  I don't think the earrings will leave my ears for awhile, maybe I should get some more of those too.  

Nathan thinks I look cool and Mike says he thinks I look cuter now than before, got to love that guy!  The kids like to rub my little nubs that are left and I just keep waiting until I don't have to shave my legs! 

Insights Part 1

I decided to separate my past weeks' details with some enlightenments that I had that I feel I should share.  I numbered this part 1 because I know there will be more.  

When I go through trials or hard times,  I learn many things spiritually, temporally and physically and to make the my trials fully meaningful it important to me to share those things that I have learned with my family and friends.  I also feel like our trials we go through are not just for ourselves but for those around us also which is one reason why I have chosen through this whole process to be as open as I have.  

Yesterday in church in primary, the children's sunday school, at the end of the meeting the children sang "How Firm a Foundation".  This song has always been one of my favorites because of the last verse phrase which reads...

7. The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!

While we were getting ready to move to Idaho, I was having a really hard time with the move but I knew it was the right thing to do, and I, personally had many manistifations that it was the right thing to do at the time, but I was still struggling with it.  One Sunday in services I was singing this song and I told myself as I sang... " I'll never, no never, no never forsake thee".  This verse has become a life motto for me, something to live by.  Yesterday I was sitting in Primary and the second verse now hit me with full force.  Two days ago I was laying on the couch wondering many times how I was going to get through this time.  I have felt my Savior near as I have gone through this trial but now as I lay on the couch I couldn't but think I was going to physically get through this trial.  Today, Sunday, I was standing in Primary with almost 100% energy helping with the children.  What a miracle this is and what a wonderful God we have.  He is my strength, He is my foundation and with him I can stand both physically and spiritually.

3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

Another experience I had this past week was when I wasn't feeling good, I was praying that that the kids would understand and I know how much I loved them as I went through this trial, and that the suffering I was going through was a sign of my love for them so that I could be with them for a longer time on this earth.  I also wanted them somehow to understand through this trial more fully our Savior's love for them, and to feel Him close.  As I was saying my prayer, my thoughts turned to the garden of Gethsemane and the Cross,  I thought of our Savior's suffering for us.  Here I am suffering a little compared to our Savior, and He did that because of His love for us.  You can physically see my suffering today, we didn't see our Savior suffer, but through my suffering I pray that the children we have a sense of what our Savior suffered for them because He loves them and knows them personally. 

I know that the Lord knows us and loves us and wants us to succeed in this life.  He may not be able to take away the hard times in this life but He places people and supports around us to help us to get through our trials.  He enlightens our minds to know how to help ourselves to get through our trials, and through His enabling power of the atonement we can find the power to make through what seems as impossible.  

 

Ist Week of Chemo Recap

This past week was very tough. I have considered myself to have pretty tough blood running through my veins, but this week was a pretty good reality check.  Friday night after chemo I was on the couch feeling a little wiped out.  Saturday morning about the same, so I went for a slow, short run (I admit a little crazy:)).  Sunday morning I was tired but still vertical.  By Sunday eve I was not feeling so well,  my stomach hurt and I was tired.  Monday was spent on the couch, and Tuesday I was felt like I wasn't going to make it.  Wednesday my stomach started to feel a little better, but still on the couch, and Thursday I spent a little time vertical and by Friday night I resurrected was even a little hyper! 

The thing that was the hardest for me was that my bowels, weren't working properly.  I would eat something and within 5-10 minutes my stomach would cramp up something painful, and then I would run for the toilet.  This made me very week and very tired and needless to say I lost 8 pounds this past week from the chemo session doctors visit to the week after check-up doctors visit.  I am feeling better now, thank goodness, and the doctor said that with my type of chemo this shouldn't really be a problem.  I am holding out hope that my body was just reeling from all the hospital trauma it was still recuperating from and that next time I won't have the bowel problems.   

It seems funny to say but all I have the next couple of weeks to prepare for is my next chemo session is on March 19th and I will probably be shaving my head to prepare for my hair falling out.  I look forward to this time that I will have to recoup and to spend time with the kids.  

 

One of Our Favorite Clips

Lord of the rings has been our favorite family movie lately, even the little kids.  I have never been a Lord of the Rings fan, but lately I have loved all the symbolism and how the movie relates to real life.  This clip is at the end of The Two Towers.  Frodo and Sam have had a long day and just made it through a long battle.  I consider myself a pretty tough cookie, but this past week I found myself saying:  "I don't think I can do this" with just as much if not more emotion as Frodo in this clip.   Sam reminds me of just why I am going through this and gives me the courage to dig a little deeper, what can I say but that "there is so much worth fighting for." 

By: Kayla :)

 So, I was sitting on the couch, and looked over and saw dad and nathan giving the kids "Horsey Rides!" I couldn't help, but put pictures of the guys of the family trying to hold the house together!!! Ha-ha! looking pretty good... until right after I turned off the camera. Brittany went head first over Nathan, Cami cut her toe, and Emily started to scream!!! I wish I wouldn't of turned the camera off! It was funny!

My New Excuse: Chemobrain!

When the nurses went through side effects of chemo they mentioned something called "Chemobrain" . I thought "na, that won't effect me".. Well I finally pulled myself off the couch and read my blog, and my last two blog posts while I was on pre/post chemo drugs are pretty funny! I thought about editing them, but than that would be no fun. I just decided that I will use my new found excuse to its fullest...Chemobrain.

New Hair Cut

I I got a new hair cut today in preparation for losing my hair. I found a wig that I liked and then had them match the cute to the wig. It is kinda fun to do something I would have never done before. What do you think?

1 down 5 more to go

Yestuday I earned my first "pink run" item a pink hat. The day started going to my surgeon to check out my port and how things were healing from the masectomy. Then off to the oncology office. I am so glad that they have one in Rexburg. The Doctor, Dr. Dickson, is amazing and very kind. He is well informed and has worked with the Huntsman cancer institute in Salt Lake City. The Nurses were very kind and upbeat. I talked to the doctor for a few minutes and then off to a back room that looks like a nice family room with about 12 chairs. The Medicine went into my port great no pain and I didn't even feel anything. I came home at about 6p and felt a little tired. I went to bed and about 3a woke up feeling not so great. I spent the next hour or so on the toilet and used the bathtub for throwing up into 2 times. I am feeling better this morning, I am up but still feel a little week, I hope that the day will get progressively better. I get to go in and get a shot of white blood cells this morning and then off to a wig place in Rigby, about 15 minutes from me, and maybe get my hair cut short in preparation of it falling out.

The Chemo went very well, I didn't feel anything and the port was amazing. I am glad that I had it done. I talked to family on the phone and the kids came to visit. All the kids were amazing but Nathan was precious. He was his inquisitive self and asked a lot of questions and followed the nurse around. He even talked to the another women patient in the room . He asked her what kind of cancer she had and she pointed at her stomach and said "ovarian cancer". She asked Nathan what kind of cancer I had and without hesitating pointed to his chest and said breast cancer. I was so glad to see this, Nathan has been the one that has been the most concerned. Am I do glad that he felt comfortable enough to talk about it. Last night the kids looked at my mastectomy stitching and we talked about my port. Having cancer is such a personal thing but it also effects so many people that I love.

"This Day We Will Fight!"

As we contemplate beginning Chemo, and the fight that we have ahead of us, our whole family chants with full emotion..."this day we will fight!"

Relay For Life

My great friend Callie who I met in 7th grade has been an amazing support through this adventure that I am facing.  Recently she has signed her self up to be apart of an relay in the Relay For Life in her town on behalf of myself, and every time I have Chemo she is going to wear a pink shirt with a pink bow in support of me and breast cancer.  This is such an overwhelming act of love and kindness, and I am so grateful for it!  Here is the link to Callie's blog about her wearing pink and participating in the relay:

www.helgesonshappenings.blogspot.com/2009/02/wearin-pink-to-show-my-support.html

To participate in the relay she is suppose to raise 100$ to be part of her team, if you would like to participate follow the link on the right side of my blog that states "Support Callie and Jenifer in the Relay for Life."   You are all wonderful and I have gained much strength from you in my life, and especially at this time. 

Thanks Callie!

Our Everyday Angels

It seems like ever since I was diagnosed with cancer we have had angels visit everyday. They bring treats to brighten our days and make us smile, flowers to remind us of the beauty around us on those hard days, and even frozen meals ( I had to clean out the whole freezer in the garage to make room!) to make sure we are not feeling too overwhelmed and have a warm meal to eat.  

There are not words to express how much we love and appreciate you! 

Thanks Jason and Natalie!

Family has been a great help to us this past week after my surgery.  Jason and Natalie came and made sure that I rested while they cooked, cleaned an watched the kids.  Grandpa Paul and Derrek visited and even shoveled the snow in the driveway.  We love visiting and playing with family- they are wonderful in every way!

NEWSFLASH: Britt lost her first tooth!

Pathology Report

I went to the doctor this evening and got all the information on my pathology report. If you recall, last Friday I had a masectamy and the surgeon removed all of my right-arm lymph nodes because they found that one of the two nodes they analyzed contained cancer. Many of you know that I was trying to have immediate reconstructive surgery also, but that didn't work out because the surgeon was concerned about there not being enough tissue and the skin healing properly. We will have to revisit that issue in awhile.

Today we finally got some good news from the pathology report. The lymp node path report came back saying there was < .1mm of cancer in only one of all nodes they removed. (BIG YEAH!) The tumor that I found was an agressive tumor, the most agressive one you can have (rating 3 of 3). You may also recall that my mamogram report showed that there were other areas of concern in my breast. It turns out that the other areas of concern were carcinoma insitu, or cancer in the ducts that hadn't gotten invasive yet. The oncologist said that decision to have a masectomy was the right one because there were pre-cancerous micro calicifications all over the breast. In the end, the doctor staged my cancer as 'IIa,' becuase of the tumor size, the agressiveness of the tumor, and the spot found in the node.

As for treatment, now it is our job to keep the cancer from coming back and to kill any lingering cancerous cells in my body. I will have chemo once every three weeks for six sessions. I will most likely start next Thursday. Because of the proximity of the carcinoma insitu to the chest wall (too close for comfort), I also get to do radiation that will start 4 weeks after chemo ends. Radiation is 5 days a week for 6 weeks in Idaho Falls.

Reaction to chemo varies from person to person but it looks like the side effects of the chemo will be a couple of days of tiredness. Radiation doesn't have too many side effects, except for the huge time-sink.

In all we are very excited about the prognosses. I feel overwhelmed at what's ahead for me but I will put one foot infront of the other and I/we will make it through. We are getting wonderful help from our ward friends, and family.

Thank you for all your prayers and love that you have sent our way. You are all wonderful and important part of our family and we love you tons!

Jeni

Good News!

When I left surgery on Friday there was some concern that some skin that might die and as you can imagine that would not be a good thing. I was so nervous to see the surgeon today. He looked at my stitches and said that everything looked really good! I cannot tell you what a tender mercy this is. I have received so much bad news lately it was so wonderful to hear something positive. I give thanks for this moment of positive.

I told mike on the way home that I can't wait until I can an all "pink run" (meaning dress in all pink) when this is all done. It was then that I had this wonderful idea. For every session of chemo I have to go through I am going to earn something pink to run with in my "pink run". I am so excited! Who knows maybe I will get Mike and Nathan to run with me wearing some think pink too.

A Long Weekend

This weekend has been a long weekend.  I had my surgery on Friday. When I went into surgery the nurse asked me how I was and I said "physically okay,  emotionally not so good." She brought me a teddy bear:) The surgery went well and the doctor said he "got good margins", I am not quite sure what margins he means, lymph nodes, chest, or breast, but it sounds like a good thing, I will find out more about he surgery when I meet with him on monday.  The surgeon did find cancer in one of my lymph nodes so they took them all out and we are waiting for the pathology report which should be back at the end of this week.  Friday I hardly remember, I was very groogy, and slept most of the day.  Saturday I was a lot more awake and feeling okay and ready to come home.  I spent most of day just sitting on the couch and sleeping. Mike was wonderful! What a way to spend your valentines day, he is amazing! The kids have been so fun to be around they are my joy and light on those sad dark days.  I love my family and give thanks for them everyday but now my prayers tend to a bit little more sincere.   Today is Sunday and I am home while the family is at church.  I appreciate this time for some thinking, pondering, and praying.  I appreciate all that my kids do for me including distracting me from what is happening, but every once in awhile I appreciate these moments of quiet. Today at breakfast prayers Nathan thanked Heavenly Father "for Mommy almost being all better".  I love his "half-cup full" attitude.  I need to apply that more often I think through this process.  

Thank you for all your love and support, it has been tangible, and really helped on those hard days.  One day I was running and I was feeling a little sorry for myself and the thought hit me that if so many people could be praying for me and fasting for me then I can have the will to get through this.  Your prayers are being felt and I can't express how much we love you and appreciate your thoughts on our behalf. 

True Love

Yesterday we had a primary activity were all the children at church went to a assisted living center and handed out valentines cookies and sang songs.  It was awesome to watch the kids feel the spirit of love and service as they shared their cookies and valentines cards. Nathan was so cute, he went and visited a lady-Helen- in her room and after that he was hooked on visiting and giving. It was warming to me to see the children's smiles.  I saw a couple of things yesterday that caught my eye:

  One was a couple that looked very worn for years and definitely had their health problems.  I saw as we were singing that the husband reach over his sleeping wife and held her hand.  It was such a manifest of true love.   I was thinking to myself that I am in love with Mike as much as I could be and wonder what else there could possibly be.  With this trial our family is going through, and seeing such a manifest of love as this couple has for each other, I have learned that I have so much more to learn about love.    

The other thing that made an impression on me is a song the children sang.  We have been learning about the importance of families in primary this year.  The chorus to one of the songs goes...   God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be- This is how He shares His love, for the family is of God.  

I am so grateful for my family, both my immediate and extended family, that God has given me, my little piece of heaven on earth.  What a comfort and joy familys are.  I believe god gave us families to become what he wants us to be-I know that this is how He shares his love.  I Thank God for families! 

 

Sunday Family Update

Well this past week was interesting.  I did not go into surgery because it turned out that we needed more information before we proceeded.  The next day we can get all the hospital, doctors, pathology, and surgery prep supplies together is on Friday of this week.  We have been learning a lot this past week by visiting more doctors, taking x rays, and giving blood for testing.  I am so grateful that Mike has been able help.  He is amazing, I always knew that but I such a renewed appreciation and love for him.  

So Friday is the big day, I will be having a single mastectomy with a sentinel node biopsy (where they take just a few lymph nodes to see if they have cancer). From there we will see what the next steps are.   

Thank you so much for all your love and concern, prayers, and fasting.  Your support really gave me power to keep going on those days that I am feeling sorry for myself.  

Love you all! 

A Day of Overwhelming Love

Today was a special day for our family. We had people from all over take part in fasting and prayer for my family and I .  The feeling we have gotten today has been an overwhelming sense of love and peace.  We are so grateful to have felt Him so near today.  We are so grateful to family who have reached out and expressed their love and concern, we love you all and are so grateful that Heavenly Father has sent such wonderful angels to be apart of our lives. 

We love you! 

Mike, Jeni and Family 

One Hard Week at the Whitesides

Since this is the news-good and bad- of the Whitesides fam, I wanted to tell of a hard experience this past week.  I found a lump in my breast and  it was removed last friday.  I found out on this past monday that it was cancerous.  It was a small lump-1.2mm or 1/2 in. The reports also show that it has estrogen hormone receptors.  The size of the lump and that is has estrogen receptors are good news and all that I know for now.  I will know more next week after surgery to either remove more of the lump area and some lymph nodes or a mastectomy, it is really up to me which I chose.  If I go with a lumpectomy then I have an automatic 6 weeks of radiation if I have a mastectomy then no radiation.  I will only have Chemo if it has metastasized. As you can imagine the first couple of days were extremely hard, but now I am optimistic and feeling good. I don't have any pain and have good energy. I have learned that cancer is not an event it is a process and all I can do is deal with what I know now and put the rest in the Lord's hands. I have seen his His hands working miracles already, for example, I found the lump, and as far as I know there is no others.  If the lump would have been anywhere else, like any place deeper, then I may not have found it becuase the recommended age for mammograms is 40+.  If I would have waited 5-10 more years to find the lump I think I would be in a lot bigger trouble.  I am grateful for Mike's job which allows him to be very helpful and supportive with hours off in the middle of the day to come home and help when I need it.  Before I knew about all of this I started babysitting a little boy which will help to cover some of the cost of medical treatment.  I know that the Lord knows us and loves us, He is mindful of our needs and wants.  I have felt him near me throughout my life and I know this will be no different.  I would love for you to include my family and myself in your prayers and even your fast this next sunday.  I am praying for a full recovery, and what direction on what surgical path to take.  I know this sounds kinda silly but I am looking forward to the strength and unity that this will bring my family and the strengthening of our testimonies.  If it helps strengthen any of these areas for my family, then whatever I go through is well with it. 

The Mike and the kids are doing well.  Mike and I didn't like leaving each other's sides for a couple of days, but we are feeling more optimistic now, but still not going too far away.  The kids are doing great they are our joy and strength in times like these.   

I will keep you informed as much as I know.  I am really sorry to worry anybody.  We love you all and feel your love from a distance.   

Jeni and Family

Monday NRD Skiing

Yesturday was National Rights Day and the kids had no school, so our family thought we could give the best thought to equal rights by going skiing :) It was a totally amazing day, the temperatures were 45-50 degrees! We were skiing without our coats on the top of the mountain! Here is a summary of a great time: Cami's skied for the first time! She had a smile on her face the whole time! I wish I had a picture- next time for sure. She felt so big, and had so many stories to tell us of her trip down the mountian. Cami even got to go on the ski lift with the big kids, she was in heaven. Nathan took a pretty nasty spill and Brittany can get on and off the lift all by her self. Brittany has now been on the big people ski lift , Dreamcatcher, 6 times (but Brittany isn't counting) and almost beats everybody down the mountain. she is an amazing skier. Kayla is the beautiful pro-skier in our family, she makes it look so easy, and well Mom is still working on the making it down the hill without her legs feeling like rubber from "pizza-ing" all the way down the hill. It was nice to get outside in the SUNSHINE and see the absolutly beautiful world we live in.

Kayla's Young Women Recognition Award

Kayla was very excited to received her Young Women Recognition award today at church. This is a program set up through our church that the young women ages 12-18 can earn. Kayla had to accomplish goals and projects in each area of faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works and integrity. This takes a lot of time and is equivalent to an eagle scout for boys. Today was her special day, Dad bought her flowers and we made her favorite dinner-chicken alfredo, and peanut butter brownies. We are very excited for her and excited to see the wonderful young women she is becoming, she is amazing! We love you Kayla!

Christmas Turned New Year Letter

Intro: This is our Christmas turned New Year letter. I took a Statistics class up on campus this past sememster and it took every bit of extra time I had up until December 12th. What this meant for our family is that anything Christmas waited until 2 weeks before Christmas-UGH!Our Christmas letter unfortunately got put as last priority and did not get out until after Christmas. But atleast it got out.....

2008: The Whitesides Year of Many Firsts...

Kayla (13) started Junior High this year. She also started taking piano from a professional piano teacher. It is fun to see her develop her piano skills. Kayla started learning ballroom dance and loves it. She loves playing with her younger siblings and wearing her “feet jammies.” She loves to wrestle with Dad and is now a significant challenge for him. She almost got straight A’s this past trimester; something she worked hard to achieve.

Nathan (9) started swim team this year and still loves soccer and skiing. He is the first one to cheer when it snows which means much rejoicing lately. Nathan and Mom went on their first mom-and-me camp-out this summer. We had lots of fun kayaking and eating over the fire. Nathan loves life; he is one to always look at the bright side of life and thinks that “if your not having fun then its your own fault.” Nathan is playing piano and sang “Believe” for our families Christmas CD.

Brittany (6) started Kindergarten this year and always comes home with a smile. She learned how to ride a two-wheel bike this year and found that a sucker dipped in chocolate fondue tastes pretty good. She learned how to ski this past season and giggled all the way down the mountain. Brittany started taking piano lessons from Kayla and loves to play jingle bells.

Cami (3) is always doing something new whether it is trying out new recipes with random ingredients or seeing if my cell phone can be cooked in the microwave. She cut her own hair 5 times! (I promise I put the scissors up!) Cami loves helping Mom cook and playing princesses with her friends and sisters and of course anything pink.

Emily (1) is a so fun to have around, a complete joy. She has us all wrapped around her finger. It is amazing how well she keeps up with all her siblings. She has the cutest smiles and giggles. It is fun to see the personality of this little person develop. Emily is our smallest baby by far she only weighs 19 lbs! Emily is our little “monkey” because she is so light- weight and is always crawling and climbing.

Mike is enjoying working with the students on campus at BYU-I. He also qualified for triathlon national championships in his age group this summer. We had a great time meeting many of our family members in Portland and cheering Dad on. Mike is teaching Gospel Doctrine (the adult Sunday school class) at church. He is really enjoying learning and teaching about the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Jeni went back to school this past semester, starting with a challenging but fun statistics class (this is why our letter turned from a Christmas to a New Year letter). Jeni also ran her first half-marathon (13.1 miles) this summer on behalf of Hope Arising, a non-profit organization that is building water lines for people in Ethiopia. The Mesa Falls Half was beautiful for the first 4 miles, then the hills started and they didn’t stop! Next year Jeni is thinking that a “flat half” sounds really nice.

As a family we had many “firsts”. We purchased a family season ski pass at our local ski resort. Skiing really helped us to embrace the cold weather a little more. We got to have almost the whole Whitesides family spend a fun weekend with us skiing before Justin and Jenni went to Poland to teach English (we miss you!). We were able to attend the dedication of the new Rexburg, ID temple for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. After the winter thaw we held our first Whitesides family triathlon. We were brave this summer and went camping for a whole week at beautiful Jenny Lake,WY and Yellowstone. We feel blessed to have been able to visit with family a lot this year and to have Paul, mike’s dad, living close.

We are so blessed to have you as part of our lives. We are grateful for the person this holiday season centers around. What wonderful gifts our Savior brings to our lives. We truly hope you have a wonderful Christmas season and a joyful year to come.


With Love,
Mike, Jeni, Kayla, Nathan, Brittany, Cambria, and Emily